Why Do Victims Often Remain in Abusive Relationships?
Why Does the Victim Stay?
Five Things You Can Say to A Victim Reluctant to Leave
Why Does the Victim Stay?
A question often posed by the victim’s
family and friends. There
are numerous reasons for which men or women decide they should not leave
an abusive relationship. Some
of the more common reasons are listed below.
- Children
–
- Control – victims often believe that
they can control the violence by doing what the abuser wants.
This is almost never true.
- Shame or embarrassment
about their situation.
- Isolation – many abusers will cut off
relationships the victim has with family
and friends, leaving the victim to feel alone and with no control over the
situation.
- Fear – the perpetrator will often make threats of increased violence and even homicide if the victim threatens or attempts to leave. Women who leave their batterers are at a 75% increased risk of being killed by the abuser as compared to women who stay with the abuser (House of Ruth, 1998)
- Financial concerns – victims of domestic
violence often feel they have lost all control over money and feel
hopeless about their situation. In
their first year after a divorce, a woman’s standard of living drops, on
average, 74%, while a man’s standard of living improves by an average of
42% (Action
Notes, 1989).
- Deserve abuse – victims often have the false belief that the
abuse is ‘deserved.’
- History of childhood abuse
– victims with a history of being abused as a child or witnessing
domestic abuse in their family of origin often believe that violence is a
normal part of a relationship.
The act of leaving an
abusive relationship is a process.
Domestic violence robs victims of their
fundamental human right to maintain a sense of control over their own
lives. Victims of domestic
violence often feel hopeless and powerless in regards to escaping the
continuous abuse.
Source: The above
information was adapted from materials provided on the following websites:
http://www.houseofruth.org/;
http://www.fvpf.org;
http://www.ncadv.org
Five Things You Can Say to a Victim Reluctant to Leave:
- I am afraid for your safety and the safety of your
children.
- Without a change, the abuse tends to get worse.
- I am here for you when you are ready to leave.
- You deserve better than this.
- There are people who can help you.
Show
Support:
- I believe you.
- The abuse is not your fault.
- How can I assist you in feeling safe?
- Help me to understand how you feel.
- Your reactions are normal for such a horrible experience.
-
I know that you are a battered woman/man.
- Did you try to stop the abuse?
- What did you do to provoke the abuse?
- Why don’t you just leave?
- If someone ever hit me, I know I’d leave immediately.
- That happened awhile ago, can’t you just forget about it?
(Source: Sarah Buel, “Prosecuting Batterers Without A Witness” Workshop, Tulsa, OK February, 1994 and U.S. Office of Personnel Management Website.)
Contact Goddard’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) at 301-286-4600 or 800-247-3054 for additional information and/or assistance.
You can also call--toll-free-- the National Domestic Violence Hotline,
24-hours a day at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 800-787-3224 (TDD).
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